Loneliness, Pain, and Sorrow!

What happens if it falls? :(
Made by me, using Blender 3D

There's something I want to remove within me. Deep inside my heart, it burns. It melts everything from the inside. I feel really weak, unmotivated. My mind is full of resentments, and frustrations, I feel pain and anguish. I'm really tormented by this feeling.

How I wish I could easily shatter these feelings within me. I don't usually write things, especially about how I feel. But at the moment, I've got no choice but to pour all the loneliness, the frustration, the sorrow, the pain I feel in this post. It is the only outlet I see that's worth it. What I think is that no one would believe me, no one would care how hurt I am, not even my parents, my friends. All they see is a mask, a poker-face. I don't know if someone has already seen through the mask. I don't know if someone would care to see what's beyond it. I don't even know if someone would reach out and lend a hand.

Maybe there's a few. Maybe there are those who tried and got tired. Maybe it's me who wants to stay this way. Maybe it's me who's afraid that the hand that reached out would let go once I've decided to hold it. I am such a coward. Afraid of trusting others. Unsure of my very own existence.

Am I really worth something to someone?

* * *

Feeling that you're special or even just something to someone makes you feel happy, right? I've seen couples that way. They're not just ordinary couples, they're bestfriends! Nothing else would be lovelier if your partner would be more than the bestfriend you have. You share moments of happiness and sorrow. You share laughter and tears. Every moment of your precious life becomes more precious when you're together.

True, right?
Food tastes better if you eat with someone.

* * *

I feel this way because I've got no chance, not even the slightest, to be with be at least friends with the girl I adore. Or maybe, I feel this way because I had the chance before and I let it slip. Is there any reason to be sad? Aside from going to the same campus, we don't share anything similar. Maybe all she knew about me was my name, not even my full name. Maybe I'm just someone, a stranger to her.

So why do I feel this way? Is it because I already loved her? Is it because my feelings were developed ever since my friend got the "happy birthday" video from he? Is it because a small hope has lit up when she and her boyfriend broke up? Is it because after a few weeks, or maybe even days, they reconciled with each other?

I am so immature. Back then, I didn't know what to do, but until now, 4 years after, I still don't know what the hell should I do to do. I'm hopeless. I guess that I would really never experience love in this part of my life.

* * *

I am now doubting if this feeling is worth remembering. I dunno, it hurts so bad that I wanted to cry out loud. What would probably happen if, once again, I try to forget what love is? Will I be able to stand firm? Will it make me stronger? Will it make me happier? Or will I just shatter like what would probably happen to the wine glass?

* * *

Sorry for being so melancholic about small things like this. I just really don't know what to do with all these pain and anguish I feel. Well, thanks for passing by!

Sembreak, Defense, Revisions, and Relationship!

I've been longing for this time to come. Our first semester of hell school is finally over. But it didn't turn out the way I wanted it to.

* * *

We almost went through hell on the last two weeks of this semester, especially for my part. Our group was the only one who got the grade "Conditional Pass" on our thesis proposal defense. That's almost equal to "Re-defense" or "Change Topic". I admit that I'm not good in writing documentation for such thing, but I've got no one to depend on. Anyway, I don't really care about that. 

* * *

After having the failed oral presentation of our thesis proposal, we had another one, for another subject. The subject was "Advance Database", and our final project was to create a database management system (DBMS) similar to phpMyAdmin. If you've got no idea what it is, and you don't want another headache, better don't check this [link].

We named ours catSQL. XD

Our system's logo.
Created by our very artistic group mate Boom!

Making the system is really tiresome. Our very odd good professor always tells us that we should prioritize the thesis, but his actions and tasks says another thing. He's really weird! XD 

* * *

So during the defense, we had our two professors as panel. It was like more of a class reporting, not a project defense. The atmosphere was not that tense, compared to our first thesis proposal.

That was me, the one in blue. Too bad, I didn't get a chance to have a solo pic. XD

After our project defense, everyone seemed happy that everything is finally over. But they were the only one who can say that. Our group still has another defense. We need to present a new concept.

* * *

Our thesis adviser came up with a new game concept. From a physics-based game, we now have an environmental game. It was about waste segregation.

So we made a proposal based on a game development document (GDD), and we asked our artistic friend Boom! for some game designs to be used for our presentation.

Sample Designs.
Made by Boom!, thanks to her. =D

* * *

Again, the atmosphere was tense. We crammed making the power-point-presentation for our new game concept. Then, an unexpected thing happened. Our panel line-up was changed. It was terrible. The new panel expected things. His expectations are way too different from our former panel. And by the way, he's our professor in advance database. Dafuq! 

Our game concept was turned down. He wanted different things. He wanted these, he wanted that. Though he's not a game developer, he assumes what he thinks and says is right.

Our list of revisions. There's a lot more for the documentation!

Anyway, I don't give a damn. I'll give what he wants. I've got no other choice. But it's really frustrating!

* * *

I guess if you're a graduating student, there won't be any semestral break for you. Too bad, I'll miss this. =(

The bloody-red documentation of our thesis.
I see a lot of revisions! >_<

I've really got lots of things to do. I guess, two vacant weeks are not enough to finish this. 

* * *

I also wanted to improve my so called "relationship" with her. I'll try and take a step forward. The problem is that, she's already in a relationship. I always get sad whenever I remember that fact. This thing would be impossible, it will never happen. I WANT TO SHOUT MY HEART OUT! WAAAAAAAAAAAA!

T_T
I don't know if it is right to have faith in this line I've made up
I want to cry out loud for this!

* * *

All these failures suck! Everything was my mistake. Forgive me for thinking that way. Thanks for passing by! =D