Chat, Love, Hope, and Friendship!

She's not online today. Why do I miss her?! XD

It's been a while since we've started chatting. I wasn't really expecting it to turn-out this way. But I guess, it can't be helped, especially for someone like me who's totally broken and hopeless. She just came, and saved me from the pain. Then I started missing her, without a definite reason whenever I don't see a green dot before her name, indicating that she's offline.

That's right, she gave me new heart, a new hope,
and I'd dedicate it to her
if she'll give me a chance. XD

* * *

It all started one night, October 17, after that hell-of-a-defense we had with a new set of show off panels. We really had a bad time that night. I came out of the room really hot headed, totally pissed-off. We went down the stairs and there she was, reviewing alone. I didn't mind. She's not with her, and she's kinda busy, and fact is, we're just acquainted to each other because of her. We're not even close.

Then she noticed us. Greeted me and my friend, who's also a friend to her. I was pissed-off so I didn't freaked out in that situation. Maybe if I was in my usual disposition, my face would either be full of blood, or it would seem that I was sucked dry by a vampire. Hahaha. I just managed to smile and gave her a little wave. She then jokingly said that she'd call her bestfriend out for us, or probably me. She actually a bit naughty. I wasn't so sure what I did and happened at that time. Her bestfriend didn't bother to come out, and just said 'hi' again. I just smiled again after she said that.

I was really pissed off that I didn't have time to be responsive. I didn't even bother greeting her properly. I went home cooled my head down and realized my mistakes. The thing is, I didn't even have enough courage to chat her. I didn't know what to say. Who am I to her anyway?!?!  I was finally able to message her after a while. Not minding if she'd reply or not.

It all started that night. =D

Her reply came the next day. Her reply says that it was just fine, she knew that I was really a shy person. My heart jumped after reading this. I didn't know what to say. She also asked about how our defense went. So I replied that day, she replied the next day, and I replied that day, October 19.

Her reply came last October 22, and I was online. I was totally surprised. I didn't even expect that she'd reply to my last message. I totally freaked out. I didn't know what to do. The day before, I asked my friend on how to  communicate properly with others, about how would I make a simple conversation. I didn't asked this for her, truth is I was planning to 'use' it with somebody else. I'm pretty lame at conversations especially with a girl.

So I decided to go with the flow. Continued chatting with her awkwardly. As our conversation went on, she started teasing me with what happened. The video, that moment when I was dumbstrucked when her bestfriend said 'Hi!', and may others. I played along with that topic. Jokingly said that I was broken, even though that's the truth, even had a little drama.

That was very memorable. It started so suddenly that it made me awkward, but eventually, I felt a little close to her, even though I don't know that much about her. I don't even know if she's single and available. =P

So I continued chatting with her occasionally as the days pass by. Topics from movies and such things. Then one night, I noticed something different about her. Her messages suddenly seemed melancholic. I tried to look into things, asked her if there's something bothering her. She said that there's none but it really felt that there's something. Maybe I was just imagining things. I was ready to drop the thought then suddenly, she admitted, that she's a drama queen. So there really is something bothering her. It seemed that she was just reluctant to share things, or there really is nothing.

I tried to persuade her a bit, but I am really not good in persuading people. I'm not really that convincing. And I thought that I was feeling 'too close' to her even though we're just recently acquainted. I don't know what her thoughts are. I don't know if it was fine for her. I didn't know what her impression on me is. I didn't know if she'd like me to be even just a friend. I didn't know if I'd be given a chance to be something more, or at least something to her.

But one thing is for sure, she rescued me and gave me a new heart, a new hope. She helped me through when I was in the pain. I'll definitely be in-debt to her. And hopefully, I'd be able to repay her. I definitely want to repay her.

Even though at times, our conversation is very dull because of me, I'm still thankful for those messages. I didn't even expect that I'd be getting over her bestfriend immediately. I won't be hoping that she'll feel the same for me. I'm still not in love with her, but I think that I will eventually. I don't know if she'll fell the same way eventually. I guess, all I can do is cherish this thing, this connection we have. Whichever direction it takes, love or friendship, I'll definitely be thankful that I met her and I definitely won't forget her.

* * *

If ever you're reading this,

ayan na. 

oo madrama din ako.

oo nasira din ako sa nangyari.

nabasag na ng tuluyan ang sira kong puso.

pero buti na lang anjan ka.
buti na lang dumating ka at naging magka-chat tayo.

binigyan mo ko ng bagong puso eh.

binigyan mo ko ng bagong pag-asa.

pano? di ko din alam.

basta, bigla na lang nawala ang sakit eh.

kaya maraming salamat.

nakakatuwa ka kasi eh.

ansaya mo kasing kachat at makulet pa.

sana maging ganito lang din 'pag nagkita tayo.

sa tingin ko masaya ka din kasama at kausap.

sana magkaroon ako ng lakas ng loob na kausapin ka 'pag nagkita tayo.

pero ako pa? sa hina ng loob ko.

boring akong kausap.

laging tahimik at walang imik.

pagpasensyahan mo na at tanga lang talaga ako.

napakahina lang talaga ng loob ko.

para lang talaga akong bata.

torpe pa.

ikaw na ang bahala kung ano ang gusto mong gawin.

iwasan mo na ako kung gusto mo.

kamuhian mo na ako dahil sa mga nabasa mo.

pero 'wag naman sana.

kasi mamimiss kita, sigurado ako dun.

lalo 'yang kakulitan at kadramahan mo.

mamimiss ko 'yun.

pero wala akong magagawa.

di ko alam ang magiging desisyon mo.

di ko alam kung anong magiging pasya mo.

di kita pipilitin.

ikaw na ang bahala.

sanay na naman akong mabigo.

pero hindi ko na sisirain itong ibinigay mo.

hahaha, napahaba na ng tuluyan itong mensahe ko.

pero siguro ayan na lahat ang gusto kong sabihin sayo.

pero baka may nakalimutan ako, sabihin mo lang.

ay meron pa pala.

isang malaking THANK YOU!

isa pang bagay.
last na 'tong dramang ito.
hahahah.

Hope you'll be able to read this. =D

* * *

That was what my heart wants to tell her. She's offline and I suddenly missed her. I don't know if she's even thinking of me. I don't know if I'm the only guy who she's chatting with. I didn't know if she'll even think of me this way. But for now, I really miss her. Even though I've got nothing to say to her.

But I'll always be thankful. I'll always pray for her safety. I'll always ask God to give her the best.

* * *

Well, that's it I guess. Wish me luck. I'll show this post to her one of these days.

 Thanks for passing by! =D

Travel, Places, and Food!

If ever I won the lottery, I'll definitely travel across the globe. And I'll absolutely start in the Philippines. And yes, I'll definitely bring someone, or maybe a group of friends. It would be really fun to go to such places together with such people.

* * *

I'll start from the northern tip of the Philippines, Batanes. These small islands holds a very beautiful paradise. The scenery, based from the pictures, videos, and descriptions I've seen, read and heard, is pretty awesome. Plus the local heritage, those stone houses, is one of a kind. 

Stone Houses, I'd love to see these with my own eyes. =D

Also, I've read here that there's a ton of seafood in this paradise. I'm simply a food lover, and I'd really love to try a huge lobster.

I'm craving for these! :'3

* * *

Next, I'll go a little south of Batanes, but still in the northern part of the Philippines, Ilocos Norte and Ilocos Sur. Ilocos Norte, just like Batanes, holds several hidden paradise. White sand beaches. Crystal clear waters. Peaceful shores. Definitely a paradise in the north.

A magnificent view.
Hidden somewhere in Pagudpud, Ilocos Norte. =D

Going down to Ilocos Sur, I surely won't miss to visit the Hispanic town of Vigan. The place is pretty amazing since it's one of the few Hispanic towns left in the Philippines. I'd surely take photos and buy a lot of souvenirs. But first, I must buy a quality camera that I'll use to take pictures of the wonderful place.

The Hispanic town of Vigan.
I'll definitely go around riding a kalesa. =D

* * *

I'll also love to stop by other places in the north like Sagada, Benget and Banaue. So many places that I don't have much time to look for wonderful photos to add to this post.

* * *

After traveling across the northern part of the country, I'll go island hopping. First, I'll visit the Queen City of the South, Cebu City. Visit the famous Magellan's Cross.

A tourist trap they say, but I don't mind. =D

The food here is also amazing, that's what they say. I would really love to try it personally. There's this zubochon's lechon dubbed to be "the best pig in the world", by non other than Anthony Bourdain, a well-known American chef. Food trippin' would always be in my list if I'll be travelling to different places. I'd really love to try local delicacies. =D

I'd really love to taste this. Maybe I'd be selfish for a while if it's infront of me. =D

* * *

Next island would be Palawan. The beaches, again from what I've heard and seen from others, are really amazing. Simply world class. Coron, El Nido, and Puerto  Princesa,   Palawan would be on top of my list here.

Coron Palawan. Pretty good view. I'll take a picture there someday. =D

White sand beaches of El Nido. I wanna see it with my own eyes! O.O 

Puerto Princesa Subterranean River National Park. Would be quite an adventure.

* * *

Next island would be way down south, Siargao Island in Surigao del Norte. 

Definitely one good adventure!

Siargao Island was named as the Surfing Capital of the Philippines. I'm not sure if that's up to date, but the place definitely has good and strong waves, based from what I've read. I would really love to try surfing, but there would be a small problem. It's no that big. I JUST REALLY DON'T KNOW HOW TO SWIM! I CAN'T SWIM, AND I ALMOST DROWNED MYSELF ON A 6 FEET DEEP POOL! THAT'S VERY LAME! HAHAHA =D

This surely is extreme! I'll definitely drown.
But still, I want to do this in the near future! =D

* * *

There are a lot of places that I wanted to visit. A lot more, like Camarines Sur, Surigao, Davao, and many more here in the Philippines. But I guess, those listed here would be my top priority if ever I won the lottery! I'll definitely do many thing. A lot of adventurous stuffs!

However, this would be really far from my reality. I'm not that wealthy to do all these. That's why I'd be hoping that a miracle would happen. Hahaha. But I guess, I don't deserve such thing.

So I'll be working hard, save money, and have fun with at least someone and go to at least a place in my list. Hahaha. That would be close to possible I guess. Hahaha =D

* * *

Oh, by the way, those pictures are not mine.

Credit goes to the owner. 

I just found those across the net. 

Thanks to them. =D

* * *

These are the places from the Philippines. Next would be from around the world, if ever I'll have time. Hehe. Thanks for passing by. =D

Loneliness, Pain, and Sorrow!

What happens if it falls? :(
Made by me, using Blender 3D

There's something I want to remove within me. Deep inside my heart, it burns. It melts everything from the inside. I feel really weak, unmotivated. My mind is full of resentments, and frustrations, I feel pain and anguish. I'm really tormented by this feeling.

How I wish I could easily shatter these feelings within me. I don't usually write things, especially about how I feel. But at the moment, I've got no choice but to pour all the loneliness, the frustration, the sorrow, the pain I feel in this post. It is the only outlet I see that's worth it. What I think is that no one would believe me, no one would care how hurt I am, not even my parents, my friends. All they see is a mask, a poker-face. I don't know if someone has already seen through the mask. I don't know if someone would care to see what's beyond it. I don't even know if someone would reach out and lend a hand.

Maybe there's a few. Maybe there are those who tried and got tired. Maybe it's me who wants to stay this way. Maybe it's me who's afraid that the hand that reached out would let go once I've decided to hold it. I am such a coward. Afraid of trusting others. Unsure of my very own existence.

Am I really worth something to someone?

* * *

Feeling that you're special or even just something to someone makes you feel happy, right? I've seen couples that way. They're not just ordinary couples, they're bestfriends! Nothing else would be lovelier if your partner would be more than the bestfriend you have. You share moments of happiness and sorrow. You share laughter and tears. Every moment of your precious life becomes more precious when you're together.

True, right?
Food tastes better if you eat with someone.

* * *

I feel this way because I've got no chance, not even the slightest, to be with be at least friends with the girl I adore. Or maybe, I feel this way because I had the chance before and I let it slip. Is there any reason to be sad? Aside from going to the same campus, we don't share anything similar. Maybe all she knew about me was my name, not even my full name. Maybe I'm just someone, a stranger to her.

So why do I feel this way? Is it because I already loved her? Is it because my feelings were developed ever since my friend got the "happy birthday" video from he? Is it because a small hope has lit up when she and her boyfriend broke up? Is it because after a few weeks, or maybe even days, they reconciled with each other?

I am so immature. Back then, I didn't know what to do, but until now, 4 years after, I still don't know what the hell should I do to do. I'm hopeless. I guess that I would really never experience love in this part of my life.

* * *

I am now doubting if this feeling is worth remembering. I dunno, it hurts so bad that I wanted to cry out loud. What would probably happen if, once again, I try to forget what love is? Will I be able to stand firm? Will it make me stronger? Will it make me happier? Or will I just shatter like what would probably happen to the wine glass?

* * *

Sorry for being so melancholic about small things like this. I just really don't know what to do with all these pain and anguish I feel. Well, thanks for passing by!

Sembreak, Defense, Revisions, and Relationship!

I've been longing for this time to come. Our first semester of hell school is finally over. But it didn't turn out the way I wanted it to.

* * *

We almost went through hell on the last two weeks of this semester, especially for my part. Our group was the only one who got the grade "Conditional Pass" on our thesis proposal defense. That's almost equal to "Re-defense" or "Change Topic". I admit that I'm not good in writing documentation for such thing, but I've got no one to depend on. Anyway, I don't really care about that. 

* * *

After having the failed oral presentation of our thesis proposal, we had another one, for another subject. The subject was "Advance Database", and our final project was to create a database management system (DBMS) similar to phpMyAdmin. If you've got no idea what it is, and you don't want another headache, better don't check this [link].

We named ours catSQL. XD

Our system's logo.
Created by our very artistic group mate Boom!

Making the system is really tiresome. Our very odd good professor always tells us that we should prioritize the thesis, but his actions and tasks says another thing. He's really weird! XD 

* * *

So during the defense, we had our two professors as panel. It was like more of a class reporting, not a project defense. The atmosphere was not that tense, compared to our first thesis proposal.

That was me, the one in blue. Too bad, I didn't get a chance to have a solo pic. XD

After our project defense, everyone seemed happy that everything is finally over. But they were the only one who can say that. Our group still has another defense. We need to present a new concept.

* * *

Our thesis adviser came up with a new game concept. From a physics-based game, we now have an environmental game. It was about waste segregation.

So we made a proposal based on a game development document (GDD), and we asked our artistic friend Boom! for some game designs to be used for our presentation.

Sample Designs.
Made by Boom!, thanks to her. =D

* * *

Again, the atmosphere was tense. We crammed making the power-point-presentation for our new game concept. Then, an unexpected thing happened. Our panel line-up was changed. It was terrible. The new panel expected things. His expectations are way too different from our former panel. And by the way, he's our professor in advance database. Dafuq! 

Our game concept was turned down. He wanted different things. He wanted these, he wanted that. Though he's not a game developer, he assumes what he thinks and says is right.

Our list of revisions. There's a lot more for the documentation!

Anyway, I don't give a damn. I'll give what he wants. I've got no other choice. But it's really frustrating!

* * *

I guess if you're a graduating student, there won't be any semestral break for you. Too bad, I'll miss this. =(

The bloody-red documentation of our thesis.
I see a lot of revisions! >_<

I've really got lots of things to do. I guess, two vacant weeks are not enough to finish this. 

* * *

I also wanted to improve my so called "relationship" with her. I'll try and take a step forward. The problem is that, she's already in a relationship. I always get sad whenever I remember that fact. This thing would be impossible, it will never happen. I WANT TO SHOUT MY HEART OUT! WAAAAAAAAAAAA!

T_T
I don't know if it is right to have faith in this line I've made up
I want to cry out loud for this!

* * *

All these failures suck! Everything was my mistake. Forgive me for thinking that way. Thanks for passing by! =D

Epic Fail!

It was a week full of shit! First, I was hurt by the fact that I wasn't able to do anything about my heart. IT'S TOTALLY IN RUINS!

T_T

* * *

Our thesis proposal was disapproved. We need to change the whole concept of our game. Another oral presentation was scheduled for our new concept.

ERRRR!

The fact that a member of our group wasn't contributing really sucks. I can't think straight anymore.

* * *

I needed some game artists, and no one is available in our group of three. Plus, one of our members really suck, and the other one has other priorities in his life. I guess, I was the only one who really wanted this so I've got no choice.

* * *

It was her birthday. I wanted to greet her but I didn't know what to say. I was too embarrassed about the things that just happened recently.

Then, I learned that yesterday was her birthday. I didn't know what to do now. THAT REALLY SUCKS! EPIC!

* * *

Though the week sucks, I'm still thankful I survived it. Thankful that I didn't even broke down with all that. I just really need the right outlet for these emotions kept inside me.

* * *

Oh, and I managed to greet her belated already. After sending a message, I quickly closed the tab of my Facebook and I don't have any plans on opening it. 

* * *

I'm kinda disoriented right now. Deprived of sleep, heart broken, embarrassed 'til the depths of my soul. I guess, I'll need a drink. EPIC FAIL!

=(

Stunned, Wrecked and Ruined!

After my friend got the video for my birthday, I lost all of my confidence to face the girl I admire. I also learned that she already has a boyfriend and that they've been in a relationship for two years. That really destroyed every small rays of hope I had.

I thought that with the video, I would have a chance, an opportunity to try and be a friend her, but knowing the situation, I lost my cool. I always try to avoid going to the places where she is to avoid meeting her, and to avoid being teased by my friends. Since then, I started avoiding her like hell.

* * *

Later on, maybe a few weeks after that happened, my friend, the one who got the video, learned from a very reliable source, the girl's best friend, that the couple broke up. The reason was very simple, her priority was her study. He was doubting that reason for an unknown reason. He said that it was unreasonable because from what we've learned, they've been in a relationship for two years.

I kept wearing poker face to avoid being teased. XD

I kept my poker face. Deep inside, a small ray of hope had shined. But it was obstructed by the fact that I don't have yet the courage to approach, or even say "hi" to her.

* * *

And that fucking moment came. It started in the library. Our group was doing our thing, projects as usual. Then their group came in and did their own thing as well. My friend was too busy so I pretended that I didn't notice and continued doing my job. Then a few minutes later, I noticed that they've already spotted us. Her friend kept smiling at our direction, and she had looked a few times already. How did I notice, I've got a third eye for such thing. XD

Anyway, since I can't focus on the thing I've been doing, I told my friend the situation. He can't stop himself from laughing. My friend and her best friend kept smiling at each other knowing our current situation. So I wasn't able to continue my job.

They've left the library. I thought that everything was over. Until...

* * *

Our group decided to take a break. We went down to go to the canteen. While descending the stairs, my mind was nowhere to be found. I wasn't there at that moment. I'm not sure what I was thinking back then. After a turn in the stairs, they were there. It was a coincidence that they were also going to the canteen.

They've noticed us. Her best friend nudged her. And without warning, she waved and said "hi!'.

She really said "hi" that time. XD

After she waved and said "hi!", I was stunned, dumbstruck by the situation. I didn't know what to respond. I looked at her blankly for a few seconds. I didn't even responded to her. Then they continued walking to the canteen where we are also headed.

Dumbstruck, didn't know what to say after that "hi!'. =(
This image is not mine, just got it over the net.

After those fucking situations, I felt like blood already left my head. I went straight to the fountain and drank water just after arriving at the canteen. Went and sat down, didn't eat, didn't speak. For some moments, my friends thought that I wasn't feeling well. It is true that I became very pale after going through all that. A very immature response for that situation.

* * *

I felt very sorry for myself, very ashamed for what I've done. At least I should have responded to her greetings. That was very not cool.

I continued feeling the same the whole week.

* * *

Later that week, my friend had a news for me. He learned that she's back with her boyfriend for a few weeks already. Good thing, he told me that through text. Nobody had a chance to see how shocked I am, how wrecked I am when that little ray of hope was removed from me.

I there's anything left, I'm sure it's already broken.

After that, I kept my cool, told those who knew that it was nothing. I wore my poker face once again, and just kept joking on it.

* * *

Later that day, I asked the permission of my friend to read his and her best friend's text conversation. I learned that the girl I admire remembered me. We first met each other before our first year in college started. That was almost 4 years ago, and she still remembered me. That was enough I guess. =)

* * *

Sorry for this non-sense post if you ever stopped by and read. My heart's just really ruined.

BUT THIS FEELING IS WORTH REMEMBERING.

I didn't know that it still existed in me.

Thanks for stopping by. =D