Stunned, Wrecked and Ruined!

After my friend got the video for my birthday, I lost all of my confidence to face the girl I admire. I also learned that she already has a boyfriend and that they've been in a relationship for two years. That really destroyed every small rays of hope I had.

I thought that with the video, I would have a chance, an opportunity to try and be a friend her, but knowing the situation, I lost my cool. I always try to avoid going to the places where she is to avoid meeting her, and to avoid being teased by my friends. Since then, I started avoiding her like hell.

* * *

Later on, maybe a few weeks after that happened, my friend, the one who got the video, learned from a very reliable source, the girl's best friend, that the couple broke up. The reason was very simple, her priority was her study. He was doubting that reason for an unknown reason. He said that it was unreasonable because from what we've learned, they've been in a relationship for two years.

I kept wearing poker face to avoid being teased. XD

I kept my poker face. Deep inside, a small ray of hope had shined. But it was obstructed by the fact that I don't have yet the courage to approach, or even say "hi" to her.

* * *

And that fucking moment came. It started in the library. Our group was doing our thing, projects as usual. Then their group came in and did their own thing as well. My friend was too busy so I pretended that I didn't notice and continued doing my job. Then a few minutes later, I noticed that they've already spotted us. Her friend kept smiling at our direction, and she had looked a few times already. How did I notice, I've got a third eye for such thing. XD

Anyway, since I can't focus on the thing I've been doing, I told my friend the situation. He can't stop himself from laughing. My friend and her best friend kept smiling at each other knowing our current situation. So I wasn't able to continue my job.

They've left the library. I thought that everything was over. Until...

* * *

Our group decided to take a break. We went down to go to the canteen. While descending the stairs, my mind was nowhere to be found. I wasn't there at that moment. I'm not sure what I was thinking back then. After a turn in the stairs, they were there. It was a coincidence that they were also going to the canteen.

They've noticed us. Her best friend nudged her. And without warning, she waved and said "hi!'.

She really said "hi" that time. XD

After she waved and said "hi!", I was stunned, dumbstruck by the situation. I didn't know what to respond. I looked at her blankly for a few seconds. I didn't even responded to her. Then they continued walking to the canteen where we are also headed.

Dumbstruck, didn't know what to say after that "hi!'. =(
This image is not mine, just got it over the net.

After those fucking situations, I felt like blood already left my head. I went straight to the fountain and drank water just after arriving at the canteen. Went and sat down, didn't eat, didn't speak. For some moments, my friends thought that I wasn't feeling well. It is true that I became very pale after going through all that. A very immature response for that situation.

* * *

I felt very sorry for myself, very ashamed for what I've done. At least I should have responded to her greetings. That was very not cool.

I continued feeling the same the whole week.

* * *

Later that week, my friend had a news for me. He learned that she's back with her boyfriend for a few weeks already. Good thing, he told me that through text. Nobody had a chance to see how shocked I am, how wrecked I am when that little ray of hope was removed from me.

I there's anything left, I'm sure it's already broken.

After that, I kept my cool, told those who knew that it was nothing. I wore my poker face once again, and just kept joking on it.

* * *

Later that day, I asked the permission of my friend to read his and her best friend's text conversation. I learned that the girl I admire remembered me. We first met each other before our first year in college started. That was almost 4 years ago, and she still remembered me. That was enough I guess. =)

* * *

Sorry for this non-sense post if you ever stopped by and read. My heart's just really ruined.

BUT THIS FEELING IS WORTH REMEMBERING.

I didn't know that it still existed in me.

Thanks for stopping by. =D

JaBlue, Friends' Friend, Blunder, Immature, and Hermit

My very first sweet cake bought by my very
sweet friends. =D

That was very unexpected. It really caught me off-guard. This was the very first time someone made an effort and surprised me with a cake and a present I could not buy myself. I can't even explain what I felt at that moment when they surprised me. I didn't know what to say. I can't even speak about what I feel. The warmth I felt, when I saw their wide smiles, is so relaxing, calming. All I did was smile. If I wasn't a hard, cold hearted bastard, I would have cried. That was really the first time, I've experience the warmth of friendship. I was wrong all this time. for thinking that this year was insignificant. It was me who made this year suck. But thanks to them, I've now got a very precious memory. Friends that I'll treasure 'til the end of  time. Thank you Lord for giving me a wonderful chance to be with them. =D

* * *

During my birthday, a big blunder happened. The girl, whom I've mentioned before was the friend of my friend's friend. If you don't get that part, read it again XD. So, my friends were joking me that they'll ask her, the girl whom I adore, to record a video of her, greeting me a "happy birthday". It's like some sort of a greeting video. 

I was jokingly laughing with the thought, thinking that something like that won't happen. Seriously, I don't even think that they were serious about that. The blunder happened when we were walking across the schools lobby. My friend suddenly spotted his friend who was also her friend. I suddenly realized what would happen in the next few moments, so I hurriedly got out of the scene. I went to the food-court, where our other friends are staying, nervously waited for the outcome of that blunder.

Then my friend came, insanely smiling. And I knew it, his blunder was a success. That wasn't part of the plan. I didn't even thought that it was possible, or that they were even serious. 

Yes, I'm seriously thinking of it as a blunder 'coz that's totally a mistake. Don't know if I'd be happy now that I've got a video seeing her smiling, or sad 'coz it would increase my shyness, that I won't be able to face her.

* * *

The next day, after the post-birthday-celebration prepared by my friends, me and my friends stayed at the food-court. Suddenly, from a distance, I saw her coming, together with her friends. Good thing my friend, who did the blunder, didn't notice them coming. Everything was fine 'til my friend decided to buy a food from a stall where they are staying. He saw them, and again, I've got a feeling of what's coming.

It's our lovely professor who made it. She called them out, she and her friend, who was her students before. That was pretty ridiculous. Can't help but hide my face. I almost sob. It's the most embarrassing moment of my life so far. I would really never have a girlfriend in this part of my life. The whole time they were teasing me, she was standing there. I dunno, maybe she's laughing at me or at the situation we're in. I wasn't looking. I was too embarrassed. I acted like a child. So immature.

But all I know is I won't really have the courage to face her. I'm such a dumbass. Though that embarrassing experience would be another treasure that I'll always remember 'til the end of time.

* * *

Those experience I've had didn't let me sleep last night. I woke up at around 4 AM and everything that happened that day came running in my mind. No choice but to get up early.

* * *

This morning, I've found out that one of my hermit crab died. I dunno when exactly. But the other was able to transfer to the former's shell. It's a bit sad. Rest in peace Hermit.

* * *

To whoever you are, who stumbled upon this post, and was able to read it, I don't mind if you find me dumb. Hahaha. Well, I don't really mind what you think. Haha. Anyway, thanks!

Vacation, Pedantic, Apple, and Smile.

It's been a while, been busy (again) doing this and that. Actually, I had a pretty long weekend, due to consecutive holidays (wohoo!). I chose to relax and enjoy my time on the first two days of the long weekend. I really didn't do a thing that's needed to be done. So that gave me no choice but to cram on the last two days of my mini-vacation. So, what I did was to delegate some of my tasks to a member of my group in thesis (hahaha, the power of the leader), and asked him to do what is needed.

I'm not expecting a lot from him, because if you think I'm lazy, well, he's lazier than me. So to cure that disease, I've threatened him a bit. Haha, I dunno if that had some effect. All I wanted is some decent result. For me, I've made two out of three tasks I've assigned to myself. Honestly, for the remaining one, I've really got no idea  on what to do with that.

This suck! I'd prefer to code all day, rather than make some research or review about our study. I hate technical writing! That only makes things worse. The worst part is, I'm the leader, a lousy one. Haha. Too bad, I've got no choice.

Dumbphone =D

* * *

I've got an urgent call earlier this morning. It's about my client. And oh, by the way, I've already received my "compensation" for a job well done for the previous project. It's really more than enough. That's my thought all day when I got it.

So, my contact called me and told me that my client encountered some problems, and forwarded me an email about it. I checked it and found out that, It's pretty minor, so I didn't mind. Well, even though it's a major problem, I wouldn't really mind, the compensation was really more than enough, that's my thought though. I've got really no idea on how things work  in this kind of job.

Knowing that minor problem, I went with the usual, searched on Google. Google can really be a synonym for search. That's how things work for me. The problem was I used Dev C++ on compiling the source code while they were required to compile it using gcc in the command prompt while adding the option "pedantic". 

That's the problem, it wasn't taught in school. Haha. I only knew the basics back then. If I were to fix this back then, I would really beg for help. Haha. So I found this site using Google. And there it is, a step-by-step to setup the gcc. At first I was having trouble in accessing it. The message always says, "access denied!". So I tried running it as administrator and that simply did the trick.

Yeah, finally worked!

So I've tried to use the gcc option, if that's the right term, "pedantic", and found out the errors. It was my mistake. Check this if you want to know more about this. It's the basic of all the basic. It's an epic fail for me. Haha. And with that, after a few minutes, I've finished the requested revision. I haven't found out the results. I've asked them to contact me as soon as possible. =D

* * *

Just went and checked my fb, and saw a photo in the news feed. She really is the apple of my eye. I stayed still, looking at her for a moment. Well, that's really frustrating. I've had the chance before to be close to her, but I just let it slip. And now, I'm full of frustrations, resentment. How I wished I had a time machine. I've always lived in the past. I never got over it. But the truth is, I'm not doing a thing about it. I don't have the courage to do so.

The message in her cover photo, sweet. ^_^

* * *

Oh, I didn't notice the time. It's already past midnight. It's already the 22nd of August, my birthday. Oh well, looks like another insignificant year had passed. I wanted to make some memories, but I don't have the heart. Maybe I should get a life. But where do I get one. I don't know if someone I know treats me as a true friend or something. I don't know if I'm special to someone. All I know is I hate this loneliness. *gasps*

Well I need to sleep now. I still need to do something later. So g'night. Thanks! =D

Though I'm really sad, I still need to wear that smile for everyone.
Happy birthday myself!